Parents' Resources

None of us like situations that make us feel insecure.
We are all afraid of the unknown.
We like to feel in control of a situation.
Then we hear those words - "Mum, Dad, I'm GAY!"

Because of our socialisation, our upbringing, we find it very difficult to cope when our beloved daughter, son, partner or parent tells us they are lesbian, gay or bisexual. Suddenly the person we have pinned so many hopes and ambitions on feels like a stranger.

The first reaction is generally shock and disbelief. We feel fear and sadness for our loved one, and for ourselves. We can feel anger, revulsion and dismay.

We look for someone to blame; we even look for cures. Often we feel a sense of loss; the person whom we thought we knew so well seems to have changed. Pain, tears, sleepless nights generally accompany the impact of the news, with an additional feeling of alienation and isolation.

  

So how do parents cope?
Parents can cope best by talking about fears, frustrations, anger and grief in a safe environment where no-one will judge them, no-one will say they are being homophobic because they are upset. Where they can cry if they wish, in the safe knowledge that everyone there will understand. By listening and seeing those who are managing to cope, or those who now understand and accept difference and individuality, new parents can realise that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. On the other hand, listening to the new parents will ensure that the older hands never forget how traumatic it was in the beginning.

Remember
Remember that your child's world has been turned upside down as well as yours. Just think how much courage it took him or her to tell you. Remember that by telling you it means that she or he trusts you. They love you. It is a compliment. Remember that they will feel better now because they no longer have to live a lie and pretend.

Remember that throughout life things change, nothing stays the same. Change helps us to develop and grow into more understanding, tolerant, caring and compassionate human beings. We cannot stop our children developing and being independent. We cannot choose their friends or their sexuality.

Remember that just because their sexual preference is different from yours doesn't mean it's wrong. Your child may have spent years in isolation before they came out to you. Think how lonely and frightened they must have been.

Remember the most important thing is to continue to love and protect your children. You must educate yourselves about homosexuality, because up to this point you have probably only seen negative representations in the media etc. You must now learn to separate the myths and stereotypes from the reality.

Remember that we are all individuals and need to be accepted as such, but it all takes time; don't be too hard on yourself or your child.

Remember the help-lines and support groups are there to help you through this time of adjustment, learning and acceptance, because if you don't accept your children, you will lose them.

Information supplied by Bristol Families & Friends - Please check out their website for further support.

 

FFLAG is a national organisation of parents of lesbian daughters and gay sons which seeks to promote the well-being of lesbian, gay and bisexual people, their families and friends by:

Support, through confidential helplines and parents' groups
Education and information
Working locally, nationally and in Europe on issues of equality for lesbian, gay and bisexual people
FFLAG supports families and works constructively to combat prejudice and discrimination and help to create a society that is respectful of human diversity